The Keeper of Useless Information

I have been known to pull out of my backside at just the right time the most trivial pieces of useless information. I have been asked many times "How do you know these things". My typical response is that my brain processes information as it receives it. When it receives information that may someday save my life or possibly allow me to invent something amazing....my brain simple throws that out. Kinda of like the old MASH'S ham commercial in the Baltimore/DC area back in the 70's that ended with "What do we do with that extra S....we simple throw that away." However, should the information be of the most trivial useless variety my brain hangs onto it so incase I am ever in a life saving game of Trivia Pursuit I may just have the winning answer.

Truthfully I have been puzzled by this phenomenon for years.....possibly decades....that is until today. Today was the Ureka moment. As I bent over to pull clothes out of the dryer that my husband had been so kind to load, I realized exactly how it is that I have come to hold on to and actually treasure the useless information I have obtained over time.

I reached into the dry and pulled out a black printed jumper of my daughter's. I cringed knowing full well that John was not aware that the jumper should not have gone in the dryer for shrinkage reasons. Why would he have known and more importantly why would he have cared. Let's face it folks..... thats a certified genuine piece of useless information. True it could cost him his life should my daughter put that jumper on and realize it is now sized to fit Barbie and I am talking about the 10 inch doll....but really, is it going to change the world? Is it going to save lives (other then his)? Is it going to create world peace? NO! Which brings me back to the point of retention of useless information.

I ran through my head all of the stupid things I must remember. There are a bunch of clothes alone that can't be put in the dry....not just my daughter but mine and my husband's for that matter. Then there are the endless appointments for dentist, doctors, hairdressers....remember not just for me but the entire family. Just today I scheduled out six month appointments for the kids to have their teeth cleaned. Lets face it ladies when you go the OBGYN once a year for a PAP and at the end of the appointment you schedule the following years appointment you already are retaining additional useless information. No wonder my brain does not have the capacity to hold information on Nuclear Cold Fusion. I am sure at some point I could have developed this ability and saved the World from its energy issues, but it just didn't fit in my brain because my brain capacity was already taken up with next years PAP smear appointment. Sorry World I could have been and done so much more.....however I will be sure to collect a morning urine sample on October 10 2010 for my yearly PAP appointment.

So its easy to see why my brain has been trained to simply hold on to that useless information. Dr. Silverberg will be happy I brought the urine sample in. My daughter will be happy that her clothes still fit. My husband will be happy that I didn't forget his Dad and Step-mom's 30th Wedding anniversary.....January 6th, 2011. I will remember that Troll beads fit on Pandora bracelets but Pandora beads don't fit on Troll bracelets.....and last but certainly no least....I will remember the lyrics to the Oscar Mayer Wiener song....you never know it might just make me a star.